A new report released on monday: Caffeine pushers may end up “Zombified.”

I got my daily Iced coffee over at Dunkin Donuts and heard the girl at the window say to her coworker – “I feel like a zombie. I’m sick of doing this, I need to do something else.” Zombie Jane serving Dunkin International for the last 8 years. Pushing the legal drug of caffeine day after day, to stone eyed customers, frothing for their coffee like dogs do in anticipation of their first bowl of chow. “It would be impossible to start my day without coffee, I NEED IT!.” So it goes with legal and illegal “natural” substances in 2011, that are regulated by people just like you and me. I want to know where these closed door meetings occur, when natural substance A is deemed legal (caffeine, alcohol, pharmaceuticals) and natural substance B (marijuana, earth encrusted “mushrooms”, and refined poppy seeds) are deemed illegal. I just want a webcam inside of this room as the arguments take place. Just for entertainment fodder, something for Jon Stewart to riff on.

But back to Zombie Jane. What is that defining moment when she fully embraced her rank in the zombie union? Does she say this everyday at work, annoying her coworkers who have just turned a deaf ear to it? Either way, a non-flesh eating zombie, is some how much more threatening and unpredictable. A zombie that exists only in the mind and has the outward appearance of a real person you’d see in a Sears catalog, is more unnerving. You understand a black eyed zombie, with ooze coming out of its mouth. You’d just hypothetically reach for a shotgun and make the quick decision to shoot it down. I kind of like when people say their jobs suck in front of customers, it’s sort of entertaining. I think there are too many people that roll over and accept menial, physical work, when they might have much more to offer. Maybe she’s waiting for that one customer that will encourage her to move on or work for them. Hey as long as she gets my order right, I’m on board.

Then there’s the salivating weathermen, who lustily rear up for any kind of natural disaster, as we saw with the recent Hurricane Irene. Ratings, ratings, ratings, and hey! people remembering that the weather channel still exists. The weather people get to dole out all their best outfits, women get facials, maybe a new haircut, and the men might do a few bench presses or run on the treadmill a bit longer as they get ready for “non stop coverage” of something that will probably never live up to their bold predictions. Then of course there’s the bold, mad genius hurricane tracker, the elder statesman of the weather room. “Now we turn to Dr. Larry Crabtree.” He’s usually bald, looks very intense into the camera, and gets to stretch out his meteorological vocabulary. (Hey Ma, that Ivy league schooling is paying off, I’m on the TV!)

There’s this veiled hope that shit “really” does hit the fan, and it seems to be channeled throughout our American culture and I’m sure cultures abroad. We’re officially in pre-Y2K territory with Dec. 21, 2012 approaching. There’s this hope for catastrophe that may force us to feel real emotion or physical pain again, as we drift further into the abyss of the depersonalized networked web. A good amount of apocalyptic catastrophe would be painful on the surface, but deep down inside there’d be this caveman strain rejoicing that things might take a few steps back, the future is after all rather scary right now – with all its emerging technologies.

This kind of May 21, 2011 biblical revelation would give us a chance to be genuinely empathetic towards each other. It’s like we need this grand reason to really care for people. A WWII, 10-15 year scenario of uniting us as a common force.

Zombie Jane at Dunkin International. Is she just a byproduct of hollywood zombie lexicon? Or does she really just identify herself as reaching a state of apathetic resignation within society? A mental zombie, constantly reaching out for some human recognition. I’d say more courageous than someone that stuffs all indifference/confusion inside until they actually become a zombie, probably without ever realizing it.

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