The urge to meditate.

The urge to meditate. Where exactly does it come from? Anyone out there want to ponder a guess? I’m dumbfounded. It could be rooted in escapism, steps towards some kind of “enlightenment”, or something more mysterious. But I respect the urge. I honor it and usually follow it down to see where it will take me. Most nights its using a youtube video I’ve found called “Universal Mind Meditation” by Kelly Howell. I must have randomly found it one night just searching youtube for meditation material. It’s about 30 minutes and I usually can make it to about the 20 minute mark, before my animal instincts take over and my mind rushes for more immediate stimulation.

The several times I’ve used it, I have been able to get into somewhat of a deep trance, although still aware of my body and my surroundings. The sensation I’ve found most unique is when my arms finally go numb. Like my mind is registering that “yes in fact Sam, your arms have gone numb. This is your mind speaking and I have no use in paying any attention or blood service to your arms, so I will just be with you here…in your brain and we’ll have this moment to moment exchange.” I know, strange to personalize my mind and hypothetically quote it.

I’ve always found that sitting cross-legged was uncomfortable and I’m just generally a fidgety person to begin with. Laying down, with some form of music seems to be working well. The numbness is intriguing though. My arms and legs seem to fade away and there’s no real sensations being felt. Like I can intellectually admit that these limbs are still attached to my body, but physically they could very well be detached and I would not know the difference. This also runs counter to 99 percent of my waking life, as these limbs are always being used in some direct or subtle way. I suppose the urge to experience this form of numbness provides my mind with a sense of novelty and I think i’ve been a novelty seeker since birth.

This urge. Is this an urge to detach from my body? Do I truly wish for my mind/consciousness to float above my body and seek the cosmos for my life’s own unique answers? Possibly. Meditation is simply the only way to get a sort of psychedelic rush without the morning after hangovers accompanied by chemicals.

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