The void is felt and it permeates throughout my stomach and then streams up around my ears and subtly floods my mind, in waves. It’s really apparent when I’ve been quiet for some time while at work. Will I be here when I’m 40? (31 right now) Whatever happened to that notion of the average american changing their careers 5-6 times in their lives? What I do now is really even just a job not a career, so I’m waiting for 5 careers to appear miraculously over the next 30 years of my working life.
It’s like being in a maze and just maybe “another job” will fill this void. But of course the nagging expression we’ve heard since childhood “well the grass is always greener…” rears its ugly face again and again and straightens me the fuck out, temporarily.
It is now 12:33 AM EST and I’m entering day 3 of my Alpha Brain Trial. I plan on taking this nootropic for 30 days straight as there are 30 pills per bottle. It could be that Joe Rogan has finally just won out, as I’ve heard him say “Alpha Brain” countless times on his podcast and its turned me into just another dumb sheep. But who knows maybe it’ll force me to write more as I review its effects on me. When I woke up this morning, it seemed like I had several vivid dreams (one of the claims of the supplement) however none left enough of an impression for me to remember anything.
But getting back to writing, I use to write a lot more when I was single, say 2 1/2 years ago. I’d go to coffee shops, mostly Starbucks because who’s kidding who, the Mom and Pop coffee shop can be found where? So i’d go to mostly Starbucks and bring my paranormal/conspiracy books along with a notebook to scribble in. I don’t miss the anxiety and desperation those sessions would place in me. It’s pure aimlessness that you can only achieve when you’re single. Your days off of work are completely your own and you’re able to craft your day as you see fit. But all that really means is you can wake up late, after a night of heavy boozing, and drink coffee for a couple of hours. Then go home and do other aimless things by yourself wishing you had a girlfriend, so not so great.
I did realize today that in certain situations or in certain groups we’re only truly there as bit parts for other people. Like my band “The Tribe” playing a show tomorrow could be a small thing compared to the huge decision someone drinking at the bar is about to make. A decision that might affect his/her life for years to come. Maybe they hear a song we’re playing and it changes their minds? (Butterfly effect) But aren’t we all influencing each other on the most minute of levels, at all times? We just lack the big picture perspective to truly know how these cumulative choices have on each other. Maybe when we die we’re able to look back at specific moments and see how so and so was effected?
With music, you’re always working towards some kind of goal. Collectively learning songs, lyrics, chords, and all the rest. There’s an end in sight but all involved have to stay in the moment to get there. It could be why it felt so odd to interview my friend Greg when I tried to do a podcast this past summer. Reacting in the moment demanded too much from me personally, making me slow to react and ending up too much in my head while trying to actively play the role of host. I didn’t have a cover song to divert my ego and I couldn’t hide behind planned out chord progressions. And it made me realize that great comedians and podcasters are just great at expressing their personalities without hesitation. I have way too many filters in place and getting to that flow point in conversation has always been difficult for me. “Grow my hair, I wanna be wanna be Jim Morrison.” (Thus spoke Thom Yorke on Radiohead’s album Pablo Honey.) I wanna be what I’m not and it’s currently too hard to just accept my own limitations in life.