The nootropic Alpha Brain, a dead end job, 5 careers, and other thoughts

The void is felt and it permeates throughout my stomach and then streams up around my ears and subtly floods my mind, in waves. It’s really apparent when I’ve been quiet for some time while at work. Will I be here when I’m 40? (31 right now) Whatever happened to that notion of the average american changing their careers 5-6 times in their lives? What I do now is really even just a job not a career, so I’m waiting for 5 careers to appear miraculously over the next 30 years of my working life.

It’s like being in a maze and just maybe “another job” will fill this void. But of course the nagging expression we’ve heard since childhood “well the grass is always greener…” rears its ugly face again and again and straightens me the fuck out, temporarily.

It is now 12:33 AM EST and I’m entering day 3 of my Alpha Brain Trial. I plan on taking this nootropic for 30 days straight as there are 30 pills per bottle. It could be that Joe Rogan has finally just won out, as I’ve heard him say “Alpha Brain” countless times on his podcast and its turned me into just another dumb sheep. But who knows maybe it’ll force me to write more as I review its effects on me. When I woke up this morning, it seemed like I had several vivid dreams (one of the claims of the supplement) however none left enough of an impression for me to remember anything.

But getting back to writing, I use to write a lot more when I was single, say 2 1/2 years ago. I’d go to coffee shops, mostly Starbucks because who’s  kidding who, the Mom and Pop coffee shop can be found where? So i’d go to mostly Starbucks and bring my paranormal/conspiracy books along with a notebook to scribble in. I don’t miss the anxiety and desperation those sessions would place in me. It’s pure aimlessness that you can only achieve when you’re single. Your days off of work are completely your own and you’re able to craft your day as you see fit. But all that really means is you can wake up late, after a night of heavy boozing, and drink coffee for a couple of hours. Then go home and do other aimless things by yourself wishing you had a girlfriend, so not so great.

I did realize today that in certain situations or in certain groups we’re only truly there as bit parts for other people. Like my band “The Tribe” playing a show tomorrow could be a small thing compared to the huge decision someone drinking at the bar is about to make. A decision that might affect his/her life for years to come. Maybe they hear a song we’re playing and it changes their minds? (Butterfly effect) But aren’t we all influencing each other on the most minute of levels, at all times? We just lack the big picture perspective to truly know how these cumulative choices have on each other. Maybe when we die we’re able to look back at specific moments and see how so and so was effected?

With music, you’re always working towards some kind of goal. Collectively learning songs, lyrics, chords, and all the rest. There’s an end in sight but all involved have to stay in the moment to get there. It could be why it felt so odd to interview my friend Greg when I tried to do a podcast this past summer. Reacting in the moment demanded too much from me personally, making me slow to react and ending up too much in my head while trying to actively play the role of host. I didn’t have a cover song to divert my ego and I couldn’t hide behind planned out chord progressions. And it made me realize that great comedians and podcasters are just great at expressing their personalities without hesitation. I have way too many filters in place and getting to that flow point in conversation has always been difficult for me. “Grow my hair, I wanna be wanna be Jim Morrison.” (Thus spoke Thom Yorke on Radiohead’s album Pablo Honey.) I wanna be what I’m not and it’s currently too hard to just accept my own limitations in life.


Duncan Trussell made me think it…with a little help from Ram Dass.

The jokester is the most alone, because he is too afraid to approach his true feelings on most anything. He cloaks his feelings with sarcasm, wit, dry humor, darkness, and many other devices of diversion. But those around him, continue to not know him, know his “real” stances. But then again his constant questioning of whats real and whats not, may have just allowed him to slip into this constant state of contradiction, or inherent contrarian nature. It could also be the result of several psychedelic experiences, which really strip the veil and presents life as some kind of intricate plaything, a thing to knock fun at, a thing to twist in ones own mind. But the 80 percent that surround him are still quite rigid, still quite committed to making “the game” work for them and the immediate lives around them. Still raising their kids in some bleary eyed hope that things will get better and that their lives will unfold like an amalgamation of hollywood movies they placed some trust in while their young brain stems were still taking root.


So how does the sarcasmo, the comedian, and jokester ever really square up and be honest at all times, devoid of constant knocks of humor and absurdity? Is this person specifically borne into the world, in order to mix up the pot of straight laced ness, in order to contradict republicans, in order that they may see the rigidness that pervades their whole existence? In order that these devolved beasts might just stop for a minute and consider other avenues of thought? And vice versa, as this republican soul force, inspires the absurdist to bend even more, become even more strange to the world, and push their own creative boundaries – all in a sweet, duality laced reaction.

I’ve always appreciated the many teachings on duality, on its use, its necessity, and unavoidable nature in this 3rd dimension reality. Matter and Anti-Matter, Thought and Object, and all the rest you’ve ever heard and understood. As I get more into Ram Dass’ teachings, Duncan Trussell’s rants, and conversations with Ron, the pot of my own consciousness is seemingly stirred and spat upon on a daily basis. 

I am however, a whore for Novelty, as most of the younger generations are. I watch at work, as someone I work with is addicted to “Fail” videos, videos that are pretty much America’s Funniest Home Videos, without Bob Saget inserting his corny dialogue inbetween videos. But he’ll just hypnotically stream these videos, one after another, or car chases, cop chases, and then the most random, ironic, and out of place photos available on the web. A constant splurge of novelty! The web is the ultimate destination of novelty production, as we are still somewhat allowed, to avoid the obnoxious commercials that have less and less meaning as the veil of everything is lifted.

And of course originally, when TV was gaining popularity, commercials were still quite novel and addictive to the average viewer. “Where and how am I going to spend my money this week?” But as families became more middle class and needs were met, popular brands leveled off, and we started to catch onto the game. A commercial for me is the ultimate form of torture and mind poison. I’ll mute them in my car and don’t really watch cable TV anymore. The jig is truly up for most people and the consciousness that is developing is one of ultimate truth, ultimate felt experience, and all the rest that falls short, that preys on illusion or shadows is falling to the wayside (except big pharma, they’re right on track.)

It’s why I constantly admire the medium that is the podcast. A meeting of minds in real time, conversing about whatever may randomly transpire in actual conversation. No “2 and a half men” laugh tracks to treat you like a comedy viewing infant.

In closing, in this emerging age of Aquarius, “felt experience” is the ruling doctrine for upcoming generations to admire and pledge their full allegiance to. “Can I touch it, can I smell it, can I hear it, can I stick my fingers into it, and of course can I plunge my cock into it?” The brain is thinking in these more immediate terms, as the age of patriarchy (dad/king/pope/god knows whats best for you) is fading, and a more receptive age of matriarchy is taking its place. Gathering/Receiving data in all fields of experience, reviewing/commenting/and assessing material online with others, and allowing a general consensus to form, organically/horizontally, rather than from the classic pyramid scheme of top to bottom.

Liquid Matrix Mixing More with Outer Field Energy Bursts

my sticky web slowly over this millenial time – tries to conspire, inspire, reignite, long lost infinite fires, word here, a like there, a poke all around the interglobe. we become more intertwined, more refined, similar, so similar but, in an all encompassing orgiastic socialistic spiritual reunion, finally…we’ve waited long for this and no fat cat republicans gonna drag us down! Persons without recognizable names! MITT, NEWT, HERMAN, RAND…these are surely mars invaders! some reptilian stronghold exisiting thousands of years away from us..but somehow these slimy, green bucked reptilian shills, shape shifting debauchery, fallen gods of puny planets. Look at the Newt alone! this man exhumes a kind of soul sucking inner vision, that prevents his eyes to every fully open, these slimy little impetuous sliver eyes, gawking and sneering at how far us “humans” have made it. as he remembers that slowling the natural evolutionary progression, is his only mortal task.

yes and barack obama, not so sure of his orgin, but he at least seems for progression, upward mobility. embracing all the wide shades of white and black and brown that serve to pull us in rather than creating more seperatist business mogules, that really only wish to invade other planets for mining resources, to bring back to earth to become richer, fatter in ego and grandiose whiteness!

this is all that visions seems to be relaying now. george harrison was this kind of mega man, street fighter, a spiritual street fighter, using his cookie cutter, apple endorsed and produced, slick pop records, to become fully accessible. then george, cunningly, all along plotting this spiritual masquerade to fill stadiums, raise millions for bangladesh within a few nights…a magic man, a transcended krist-krishna being. this is why we stay alive…who may present themselves as this next guru savior?

will it take us to get well into our 70s before we are able to look back and recognize, just who was on our own generations teamlife? im no longer interested in what my fingers have to say, it’s more so that the energy swirls percolating around my scally, almost reptilian encrusted digits. its accessing this mysteriously, syrupy flow of psychical energy. its accessing it and then translating it through metaphor, and not tired, hackneyed metaphor. jump off your page energistic. went into church tonight, on a complete whim. was out walking the town and saw that the lot to the local catholic church was well full, then it dawned on methat it was 6 pm on saturday, the 2nd mass of the day. so i hesitated, would it make me too paranoid, uneasy? then my adventursome side surely kicked in and pushed me through the doors. people in front of me having no clue i was physically there, surely viewing my heathenly energy as something repellent and distasteful, giving me official ghost status. alrighty then.

surely it all read like a pathetic fairly tale. repetitive fairly tale lessons for “grown” adults, well maybe they’re just not that grown. maybe my generation was forced to grow up faster and thus avoiding the waste of time that religion would be to our own souls. maybe time is so long and it takes a vast number of generations to attend church regularly, as they would need these moral lessons in order that they not really be so reactive to their neighbors, so violent, so chauvanistic. but as our generation has really sprung up in this new social network, all accessible information age, we’ve had to grow at a quicker rate…avoiding the fairy tales, taking on this aquarius, scientist first, emotional energy later. maybe this is where we’re at now, maybe i’m just within my own reality right now, using others to mirror my micro-ness on a more macro-matrix.

We’re all becoming reporters because we feel the earth is about to…

       I had this what if scenario pop in my head last night. What if all this documenting we’re doing, via camera phones, ustream, ipads, and “I” everything else – is a sub-conscious attempt to grab everything under a lense before it all blows up in front of us? As if we as a race, can feel the plug about to be pulled, whether it will be through nuclear annihilation, comet/asteoroid, or something else. We are producing the artifacts that the future of humanity will rely on, in order to piece together and come up with some formulation of our “past civilization”, in order to move forward. We’re doing this in order that humanity can progress, beyond any kind of massive attack we may be faced with in the future. Which could also be a tie into reincarnation, as we would want to come back to a place that was similar to when we were alive.
             My generation (30 and younger) and generation’s younger are essentially sacrificing being alive, being in the moment, for the role of note taker, record recorder, and videographer. You see this with 90 percent of concert goers being their own documentarian for the evening, focusing more on 3 inches of screen, rather than the amazing musical display that is flesh and blood in front of them. A band they may never see again in person, yet they’re more content mostly preserving the evening for later viewing. But why? Why such a need to be this reporter? Is this just a new “Ken Burnsian” gene we’ve all acquired and we want to be the best documentarian on our block? Or does our planet face some extreme attack and only our electronics will somehow be salvagable for the few remaining humans that survive?
             I also think all of this data mining is new to us, this ability to record and capture, and ability to file it away for presumably all eternity. It’s a new sensation for our brains to grasp. Where as before it was a given that you’d take in as much as you could from a live performance, then go home and recount the event in the finest of detail; Which I think forced people to acquire a stronger vocabulary, as the better story teller was the more fascinating and wanted person at any dinner party or gathering. It forced people to be more literate and imaginative. I mean the original movie star, before movie stars, was the author – the famous author that held private parties. High society always had their host of authors and historians on hand to entertain the crowds. Now it’s just point and click, don’t ask me, just watch. In this way we’re kind of reverting back to our ape like tendencies, as we say less, and act out more, just look at youtube. 2 minutes of extreme living, aka “jackass” scenarios, or any other daring stunt is becoming what our prime time entertainment revolves around. (Tosh.O – return of Fear Factor – Wacky stunt shows we’ve imported from Japan – UFC/MMA – list goes on)
              I also believe we’re trying desperately to hold on to our physical bodies, as computers demand more of our minds and glue us to chairs. We’re putting our bodies through more challenges, to prove ourselves to this new world stage, and to prove that computers haven’t completely rendered our bodies useless, just yet.
           Then there’s the potential idea that our facebook wall’s are repositories for our future selves, when we might be suffering from some dementia or Alzheimers. Maybe a unique way of remembering, with hopefully the right drugs to slow down the degrading process. Humans in general are very intuitive and I think most of this technology goes beyond the instant gratification of gaming and new apps to share with friends. I think it’s being created in as a way to insure future generations can pick up where we left off. Just a hunch.

ADD, podcasts = a return to the campfire, scaly hands, 5 HTP, and Philip Glass.

The thing about sleeping less than 5 hours of interrupted sleep, is this. You live within a very ADD realm of consciousness. You can’t maintain any kind of meaningful focus for very long. Your reactionary time is likened to Sarah Palin’s defensive reactionary time aimed at anything negative or maybe, true. The computer is the worst ally in this mode of living. It enables you to search for what is immediately in the forefront of your brain, with ease, speed, and wide ranging color display.

But having ADD is like the chicken and egg argument. If conditioned in the right way are we all chickens? Adapting a frantic pace of interpreting the world, a frantic pace of movement within the world, and finally being reduced to pleasure seeking meatbots? Well that seems too harsh and simplistic. But if the egg is ADD and some are just found with worse cases of it from birth, than the internet can only make life for these people worse off, more disjointed, feeding their condition. And those that are not part of this nature driven equation are really ok in the long run. Who really knows. Nature vs. Nurture is just as rhetorical as Chicken vs. Egg, although quite fun to run your mind around. Especially when you’re caught in a kind of unstable sleep pattern. My brain’s algorithm has always been quite suspect in its consistency with most things under the sun. Irregular bathroom breaks, irregular eating habits, irregular obsessions, and even irregular musical tastes. A mutant of the first degree I suppose.

Philip Glass’ “changing opinion” and “open the kingdom” are two of the finest songs I’ve ever heard. I only discovered them within the last year and I suppose without the advent of the ADD service to entertainment, that is youtube (or streaming music services like grooveshark) I would have remained in darkness, in regards to these two tracks. “Lightning” is great too. It starts off with a Herbie Hancock inspired synth-organ piece. Other synth horns are introduced, as it’s a full own orchestrated piece from some inner religious offering on the center of Mars. The Archons need their musical rites too! I think I dig Glass’ music for it’s catchiness which is surrounded by odd time signatures and it’s digital instrumental sounds that sound quite organic.

Do your hands have a lot of wrinkles on them? I’m 28 and I have the hands of a 72 year old man. What will they look like if I ever live that long? It’s as if I have the skin of a snake, scaly, and seemingly constantly renewing and dying off. What is this from? The irregularity I spoke of earlier? The irregular sleep patterns? Working an over night shift? Lack of sun, lack of human interaction? Scaly hands are the mark of an old soul or a soul with really shitty hand genes, you pick. What if I got my hands botoxed? Can you botox your hands? I don’t see why not. I’d have stiff, wooden hands, that were as young as a 15 year olds.

I’ll say this much though. I think the written blog is giving way to the vocal blog, or podcast. It’s not that we’re becoming illiterate, it’s just that we have such a yearning for a return to the spoken word, a return to campfire conversation. It’s also about the internet really only coming into our consciousness within the last 15 years. The sorting of all the data, instantaneous interactions to the world, the global everything, and at the end of the day comedians are really the best at putting an interesting perspective on the whole mess/or unity of it all. It’s like being able to turn to the local shaman after eating a hearty meal. Except these shamans aren’t as rigid morally and look like any other 9-5er.

An unscripted weekly ritual, a kind of church service for the non-religious, a time to reflect on the particulars of life, as life becomes less particular and more streamlined. Comedians like Bill Burr, Adam Carolla, Marc Maron, and Joe Rogan are a top of the heap when it comes to comedic podcasts, and I’m a big fan of all four. I guess I’ve long enjoyed the process and creative act of stand up comedy. The ability to stand in front of a crowd of strangers and expose all your strangeness, your interpretations, and your vulnerable personality ticks. Very unmanly, un-American, un-male, and kind of the fascination for most people probably. Stripping away what can or should be said in front of a group of people, due to your gender or position in society. The comedian is not tied to caste, not tied to any kind of corporate ladder, the jester meme that has seemingly existed for hundreds of years throughout our timeline as a people. One of the driver’s of evolution, or in some cases like Louis C.K an agent of moral conservation. (See rant on consumerism and society – opie and Anthony) I guess talking about comedians in such a serious way is funny in itself. An obvious contradiction, but most blog writing is a contradiction, an airing out of the undeveloped thoughts as they arrive in real time.

I started to take 5-HTP as I’ve heard that it can be used as a natural sleep sedative. It basically aids in the production of serotonin, which is also good for treating depression (I’m a fairly stable person though), and dieting as well. I’m on day two and I have to say my mental focus is sharper, being able to read for longer periods of time, playing guitar for over an hour at a time, and getting by on 5 hours of sleep! Well it has only been 2 days, so it would be interesting if I got by on 5 hours of sleep for a week with ease. Maybe I’ll come back and report on it’s week long effects.

Band memoirs via podcast

Entering into the realm of podcastistry. The art of podcasting. The idea being that a microphone or camera would reveal more than just casual conversation held in private, is intriguing. What details will you remember, or choose to remember, knowing that what you say will be immortalized by the web. I just started a podcast with a friend and we plan on hashing out the last 10 years of playing music together.

How it all started, band tryouts, various venues we played, our first time recording in a professional studio, playing talent shows, band rivals, and much more.

A few of my favorite podcasters include: Bill Burr, Adam Carolla, and Joe Rogan. I think it’s natural for a stand up comedian to transition into podcasting, as it gives them a chance to stay current with their fans, hype shows, and let the casual listener behind the scenes, without commercials and censorship to worry about.

I’d say that I consume more podcasts than I do tv shows and really think that this medium will only grow as it becomes more refined and there’s more of a fanbase for it. The important thing is to keep the ads to a bare minimum. Adam Carolla aired his own podcast for free the first year, totally devoid of ads. Over the last year he’s dropped several spots throughout his show and this has irked some fans. I understand both sides. But at least Carolla does all of the ads himself, plus he gave away 5 podcasts a week for a whole year, so the idea of cashing in on your audience a bit after this long of a free trial, is pretty well justified.

More to follow..