I’d say in a peculiar way, these new vitamins I’m taking are sending me a steady stream of thoughts, problems to be solved, and telling me quite directly that I NEED to fast, fast on water/fruits/vegetables. Like I have no option, this is the ONLY option left to lose this stagnant 30 pounds of misery. A total fast, for 2 maybe 3 days, a way to recharge my body, restart it, flush it out, and reintroduce food at a slow rate. They’re called “Vitamin Code” and are made from all organic food stuffs. No fillers, pesticides, etc, etc. I’m all for using the human body as a kind of experimental tool. So I felt no urge to buy the multi-vitamin I previously bought. Been there done that, I’m always in search to get novel reactions from the squiggly lines under my large dome.
I have a natural inclination for experimentation, a scientist’s brain, without the discipline, and actual intelligence to have trained and made myself a career out of it. But the way I interpret much of the world is scientific, trial and error, being my favorite cliched phrase. Trial and error with music, masturbation techniques, food, beer, wine, liquor, supplements, etc, etc. It’s as if this truly is my first incarnated life on earth and it’s all about bashing about, seeing what reacts in what way, sticking with the few that do. Maybe sticking with a particular item, but trying a different brand, so never “really” repeating myself. It’s what I always enjoyed, when reading about Bob Dylan. The way he would record so haphazardly, off the cuff, whenever he felt like it, with whomever he felt like recording with. Of course he had an endless supply of money, but still, this kind of frantic mindset has always been appealing to me.
I have no clue if wholly organic vitamins, can trigger some kind of neural network, that really just forces me too look at my life in a raw and honest way? Raw Vitamins equal Raw reactions? Could be. It’s like all of the stuff I’ve put off: new job, living at home, losing weight, dating a girl, losing weight, working out more…All came to me in a rush, as I walked through the woods. My aging face, becoming bald early, all due to weight gain? Weight gain due to overall laziness, due to enabling parents, due to masturbatory patterns, due to steady alcoholic consumption? Now it’s catch-up time. It seems that way with a lot of people. Like you spend the ages of 15-30, experimenting with your mind and body and then as you remain single, or at a boring/unfulfilled job, you feel that NOW you must clean up the trail you’ve left behind. All this experimentation and engaging in the pleasure zones, has left you weak, left you a slug, left you uninspired, left you quite the sight to avoid.
Or it could be that some people just have an overly critical sense of judgement? A critical faculty that is more active, than ACTUALLY, sticking to any kind of plan of action to change. That this endless, Woody Allen-Esqe critical function is always strengthening, always increasing, especially with a job that allows plenty of down-time to be critical. It could be why this person I work with on a daily basis, is so into self-image, eating right, working out, planning his life with his wife, because he has this free-time as well. It’s like with security, you either take constant steps at improving your life, or you become more indulgent, more specific with your indulgences (where you eat out, what video games you decide to play, what alcohol you plan on buying when you get off shift) There’s these two extremes that are pulling at you, because you don’t have 8 hours of steady work diversion.
This security job of mine could really be this great blessing in disguise. This ultimate chance to get my life right, lose the weight, get the girl, and then maybe get the fulfilling job. Where as if I had a job that paid slightly more, but allowed me to keep my weight, and not be fully aware of the bad behaviors I’m picking up – maybe that would be worse? Maybe having this job will really help me in the “long run”. Going on three years, it already feels like the long run has taken its course, but we all evolve at varying rates. This is very true. Whether or not reincarnation is tied into this idea, I have no clue. I just think this fasting idea is wholesome, is right, is important, and really is my last resort. I did it in Hudson a few times, going close to 18 hours. It always felt like a call, felt like some spirit was really trying to tap me on the shoulder and saying “get your shit together and do this! Come on bud, it’s not that hard!” It’s an instantaneous thing as it feels now. Even the whole avoiding pot and booze seems right too or really the only right way to do it. You can’t strengthen part of yourself, while taking energy away at the same time. Quite the physical oxymoron.
30 is a very crucial age. It just stands for a lot more than any age from 21-29, rightfully so. Although of course numbers are man made, a kind of fabrication on time, I’m trying to buy into their importance, and use them as guiding posts. So to be 30 and live at home, has to represent FAILURE to me, and it truly does. It truly means that I’ve failed to put in the hard work during my twenties, and I’m allowing my enabling parents to enable even more. I suppose after a certain age you don’t really expect your parents to be assholes, to be standoffish all of a sudden. I know they’ll just hold a “well hey, it’s your life you’re delaying…our lives are fine, we made it, we’re doing what we want…you should be old enough to realize where you’ve put yourself.” So this is all a self-examination, all a chance to turn back the clock and right a few wrongs, right a few habits that will always keep me from a better job, a girlfriend, and generally a better sense of self, a higher esteem of myself. Maybe these vitamins are magic pills!? Maybe there is some kind of encoded release system in them, that I had to get at this exact time in my life. Probably not, but for life’s own fiction, sure why not, it can’t hurt to hold small beliefs, right?
Maybe the Emily Long (high school crush) looking girl in front of me, is some long off ideal, not wholly unattainable, but the carrot in front of me. The perfect wife/girlfriend. Looking motherly, concerned, put together, and right for her age. Maybe this whole scene was drawn up some time ago, I’m just living out the simulation. Maybe, maybe’s are all I have. Then what? See where the coaster heads next, that’s all.