The urge to meditate.

The urge to meditate. Where exactly does it come from? Anyone out there want to ponder a guess? I’m dumbfounded. It could be rooted in escapism, steps towards some kind of “enlightenment”, or something more mysterious. But I respect the urge. I honor it and usually follow it down to see where it will take me. Most nights its using a youtube video I’ve found called “Universal Mind Meditation” by Kelly Howell. I must have randomly found it one night just searching youtube for meditation material. It’s about 30 minutes and I usually can make it to about the 20 minute mark, before my animal instincts take over and my mind rushes for more immediate stimulation.

The several times I’ve used it, I have been able to get into somewhat of a deep trance, although still aware of my body and my surroundings. The sensation I’ve found most unique is when my arms finally go numb. Like my mind is registering that “yes in fact Sam, your arms have gone numb. This is your mind speaking and I have no use in paying any attention or blood service to your arms, so I will just be with you here…in your brain and we’ll have this moment to moment exchange.” I know, strange to personalize my mind and hypothetically quote it.

I’ve always found that sitting cross-legged was uncomfortable and I’m just generally a fidgety person to begin with. Laying down, with some form of music seems to be working well. The numbness is intriguing though. My arms and legs seem to fade away and there’s no real sensations being felt. Like I can intellectually admit that these limbs are still attached to my body, but physically they could very well be detached and I would not know the difference. This also runs counter to 99 percent of my waking life, as these limbs are always being used in some direct or subtle way. I suppose the urge to experience this form of numbness provides my mind with a sense of novelty and I think i’ve been a novelty seeker since birth.

This urge. Is this an urge to detach from my body? Do I truly wish for my mind/consciousness to float above my body and seek the cosmos for my life’s own unique answers? Possibly. Meditation is simply the only way to get a sort of psychedelic rush without the morning after hangovers accompanied by chemicals.

ADD, podcasts = a return to the campfire, scaly hands, 5 HTP, and Philip Glass.

The thing about sleeping less than 5 hours of interrupted sleep, is this. You live within a very ADD realm of consciousness. You can’t maintain any kind of meaningful focus for very long. Your reactionary time is likened to Sarah Palin’s defensive reactionary time aimed at anything negative or maybe, true. The computer is the worst ally in this mode of living. It enables you to search for what is immediately in the forefront of your brain, with ease, speed, and wide ranging color display.

But having ADD is like the chicken and egg argument. If conditioned in the right way are we all chickens? Adapting a frantic pace of interpreting the world, a frantic pace of movement within the world, and finally being reduced to pleasure seeking meatbots? Well that seems too harsh and simplistic. But if the egg is ADD and some are just found with worse cases of it from birth, than the internet can only make life for these people worse off, more disjointed, feeding their condition. And those that are not part of this nature driven equation are really ok in the long run. Who really knows. Nature vs. Nurture is just as rhetorical as Chicken vs. Egg, although quite fun to run your mind around. Especially when you’re caught in a kind of unstable sleep pattern. My brain’s algorithm has always been quite suspect in its consistency with most things under the sun. Irregular bathroom breaks, irregular eating habits, irregular obsessions, and even irregular musical tastes. A mutant of the first degree I suppose.

Philip Glass’ “changing opinion” and “open the kingdom” are two of the finest songs I’ve ever heard. I only discovered them within the last year and I suppose without the advent of the ADD service to entertainment, that is youtube (or streaming music services like grooveshark) I would have remained in darkness, in regards to these two tracks. “Lightning” is great too. It starts off with a Herbie Hancock inspired synth-organ piece. Other synth horns are introduced, as it’s a full own orchestrated piece from some inner religious offering on the center of Mars. The Archons need their musical rites too! I think I dig Glass’ music for it’s catchiness which is surrounded by odd time signatures and it’s digital instrumental sounds that sound quite organic.

Do your hands have a lot of wrinkles on them? I’m 28 and I have the hands of a 72 year old man. What will they look like if I ever live that long? It’s as if I have the skin of a snake, scaly, and seemingly constantly renewing and dying off. What is this from? The irregularity I spoke of earlier? The irregular sleep patterns? Working an over night shift? Lack of sun, lack of human interaction? Scaly hands are the mark of an old soul or a soul with really shitty hand genes, you pick. What if I got my hands botoxed? Can you botox your hands? I don’t see why not. I’d have stiff, wooden hands, that were as young as a 15 year olds.

I’ll say this much though. I think the written blog is giving way to the vocal blog, or podcast. It’s not that we’re becoming illiterate, it’s just that we have such a yearning for a return to the spoken word, a return to campfire conversation. It’s also about the internet really only coming into our consciousness within the last 15 years. The sorting of all the data, instantaneous interactions to the world, the global everything, and at the end of the day comedians are really the best at putting an interesting perspective on the whole mess/or unity of it all. It’s like being able to turn to the local shaman after eating a hearty meal. Except these shamans aren’t as rigid morally and look like any other 9-5er.

An unscripted weekly ritual, a kind of church service for the non-religious, a time to reflect on the particulars of life, as life becomes less particular and more streamlined. Comedians like Bill Burr, Adam Carolla, Marc Maron, and Joe Rogan are a top of the heap when it comes to comedic podcasts, and I’m a big fan of all four. I guess I’ve long enjoyed the process and creative act of stand up comedy. The ability to stand in front of a crowd of strangers and expose all your strangeness, your interpretations, and your vulnerable personality ticks. Very unmanly, un-American, un-male, and kind of the fascination for most people probably. Stripping away what can or should be said in front of a group of people, due to your gender or position in society. The comedian is not tied to caste, not tied to any kind of corporate ladder, the jester meme that has seemingly existed for hundreds of years throughout our timeline as a people. One of the driver’s of evolution, or in some cases like Louis C.K an agent of moral conservation. (See rant on consumerism and society – opie and Anthony) I guess talking about comedians in such a serious way is funny in itself. An obvious contradiction, but most blog writing is a contradiction, an airing out of the undeveloped thoughts as they arrive in real time.

I started to take 5-HTP as I’ve heard that it can be used as a natural sleep sedative. It basically aids in the production of serotonin, which is also good for treating depression (I’m a fairly stable person though), and dieting as well. I’m on day two and I have to say my mental focus is sharper, being able to read for longer periods of time, playing guitar for over an hour at a time, and getting by on 5 hours of sleep! Well it has only been 2 days, so it would be interesting if I got by on 5 hours of sleep for a week with ease. Maybe I’ll come back and report on it’s week long effects.